Why I don't write

1. I am scared.
   1. My internal mammoth is too loud
   2. I can’t stop second-guessing myself
   3. I’ve been taught that being vulnerable is bad. I always masked this with being over-the-top. And while I LOVE interacting with people, putting myself “out there” (hello, void) is terrifying. Not interacting, just standing out on the lawn, talking. Will anyone ever read this? Who knows! I’m scared anyway. Surely, the grass won’t grow faster because I’m talking to it…?
2. I don’t know how to do anything regularly.
   1. If someone told me I’m unreliable, I would just nod and agree. I don’t mean this in a self-deprecating-humour kind of way… My brain genuinely doesn’t get that there could be a rhythm to life that I could dance to instead of stumbling and tumbling down the stairs (which is ironic given I was a dancer for many years).
3. By the time I’ve finished writing the outline for this, I will have already forgotten about it.
   1. No, but seriously, I regularly stumble across things I don’t remember writing. It’s both a blessing and curse. Revelations become meaningless if not internalized, but something that might’ve seemed inconsequential then might be ground-breaking for today’s me.
   2. This often means that I need to impulse-publish something (or just note down for myself) or the thought… or the thread of thoughts… is just gone with the wind. Hence the “rambling” part of my blog title.
4. I’m an over-editor.
   1. In German there is this neologism “zerdenken” which basically means that you chew on a thought for so long that it desintegrates. I might extend this to “zerschreiben”, where you take a text and re-write it so many times that it barely resembles your original intent.
   2. There is no polish shiny enough to fulfill my need for perfection.
5. There was something else but I forgor. Time for bed. Finish this off, Future Me.

Solutions?

1. Low, low barrier for writing and publishing
   1. Typing on my tablet feels more accessible
2. Hit myself with a stick
3. Time restriction? Idk, some kind of accountability
4. This is for me. I allow myself to occupy space.

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